All the time




Rifftrax: The Sword and the Sorcerer (1982/2014)

From Rifftrax

And the 80s said, “let there be fantasy movies,” and there were fantasy movies, and they were good. Well, they weren’t really. But lo, raise thy flagon to the 80s, for through the mists of legendry* (*actual phrase from the movie) they bring us The Sword and the Sorcerer!

Before George R.R. Martin ever Gamed a Throne,The Sword and the Sorcererhad a witch bringing forth a hideous monster, a noble family of good guys getting wiped out, and even a Red Wedding! Or at least a Magenta Wedding. It also has a three-bladed sword that shoots blades, the kind of idea that seems like it could only have been pitched by an 8 year old boy right after the phrase “You know what would be COOL?”

Follow the adventures of our hero, Talon, a rogue/warrior/buccaneer/general/upholsterer/freelance architect/hooker with a heart of gold, as he gets vengeance and shoots his sword and swings on ropes and whatnot, y’know, hero stuff.

It’s high fantasy, just like the blacklight posters and pewter figurines at Spencer’s Gifts envisioned! Join The Mike and The Bill and The Kevin forThe Sword and the Sorcerer!

Note: contains some scary stuff and brief incidental harem nudity.

Any number of thoughts are likely to occur to you in the brief lulls between riffs while watching this. For instance:

1. This film is much better than I remember.

2. This film is worse than anything I can remember.

3. Kathleen Beller is cute. I must watch that TV movie where she plays a babysitter tormented by Dennis Quaid again sometime.

4. I cannot believe my parents let me watch this.

5. Oh, Manimal is in this.

I remember watching this when I was about nine, and enjoying it so much that I referred to all subsequent fantasy films as “Sword and Sorcerer” films. I do not recall it having so much groin-kneeing and dismemberment, so many naked breasts (about twelve, but you’d have to check with Joe Bob Briggs),  and quite as much sexual assault-based humour as it does.

Relive the shattering of your own innocent childhood today by going to Rifftrax and downloading or instantly streaming this confusing action spectacular, and then quietly wonder what else you’ve edited out of your early years while eating a cold spring roll and watching the rain gently speckle the kitchen window.

I love these kinds of movies. I owe it to myself to get this.